(*An Examination of the Invisible, Octopus-Like Responsibilities of the Husband and Father.* )
*AUTHOR* :
*Jerome Aduojo Agi, Ph.D.* (jeromeagi@gmail.com).
*ABSTRACT*
Marriage, across cultures and societies, places enormous expectations on men as husbands, fathers, providers, protectors, and extended-family anchors. These responsibilities often multiply in an “octopus-like” manner—reaching into the welfare of wives, children, parents, siblings, relatives, friends, and charitable obligations—while leaving little room for the man’s own wellbeing. This paper examines the often-ignored burdens borne by men in marriage, the emotional, financial, psychological, and social pressures that accompany them, and the painful paradox in which many men sacrifice their lives for others yet die unfulfilled, uncelebrated, and abandoned. The article interrogates fairness, cultural norms, family dynamics, and unrealistic expectations, and proposes sustainable strategies for men to manage responsibility without self-destruction. It concludes with recommendations aimed at restoring balance, dignity, mutual respect, and longevity in marriage and family life.
*EXECUTIVE SUMMARY :*
Men in marriage are widely expected to be everything to everyone—provider, problem solver, financier, emotional shock absorber, and moral anchor—yet rarely is anyone formally responsible for the man himself. While responsibility is noble, unchecked responsibility becomes a crushing cross. Many men work themselves to exhaustion, ignore their health, suppress their emotions, and defer personal fulfillment, only to face rejection, blame, disrespect, neglect, or abandonment from those they sacrificed for. This paper argues that such outcomes are neither fair nor sustainable. Marriage must evolve from a one-sided burden-bearing structure into a partnership of shared responsibility, mutual respect, and intentional care for the man as a human being, not merely a resource.
*INTRODUCTION* :
In many cultures, a man’s worth in marriage is measured almost exclusively by his ability to provide. Love, presence, sacrifice, and loyalty are often taken for granted, while financial capacity becomes the dominant scorecard. From the moment a man marries, his responsibilities expand exponentially—like the arms of an octopus—gripping every corner of family life.
He becomes responsible not only for his wife and children , but also for:
-Aging parents
-Siblings and extended relatives
Family emergencies and crises
Friends in need
Community and charitable expectations.
Yet, amid this overwhelming demand, one critical question is rarely asked:
*Who is responsible for the man?*
*THE HUSBAND’S CROSS AND BURDEN IN MARRIAGE* :
1. *The Burden of Provision Without Rest.* :
*The man is expected to:*
-Pay school fees.
-Settle medical bills.
-Provide food, clothing, shelter, and transportation.
-Fund emergencies and social obligations.
– Failure attracts ridicule and shame. -Partial success attracts complaints. -Even full success is often deemed “not enough.” Yet, when provision is abundant, the man is paradoxically denied the right to enjoy it.
2. *EMOTIONAL NEGLECT AND SILENT SUFFERING.*
Men are culturally trained to suppress pain, fear, and exhaustion. -A tired man is told to “man up.” -A broken man is told to “be strong.” Over time, emotional neglect turns into bitterness, depression, ill-health, or early death.
Many men die emotionally starved, long before they die physically.
3. *MARITAL PRESSURE AND SPOUSAL DISRESPECT.*
Some wives, influenced by comparison culture and materialism, nag, humiliate, disrespect, or weaponize children’s affection. The man is blamed when resources are scarce and unappreciated when they are sufficient. His sacrifices are normalized as “duty,” never celebrated as love.
This dynamic silently erodes the man’s dignity and sense of purpose.
4. *CHILDREN’S MISINTERPRETATION OF SACRIFICE .*
Many children later describe their fathers as “absent,” unaware that absence was the price paid for their survival. The mother becomes the visible benefactor, while the father becomes the invisible financier.
Tragically, some children later punish their fathers for perceived inadequacies in childhood, denying them care or appreciation in old age—forgetting that the father’s sacrifices built the very platform of their success.
5. *EXTENDED FAMILY EXPECTATIONS AND EXPLOITATION .*
A man is often expected to inherit the responsibilities of his parents, siblings, and extended relatives. -When he resists, he is labeled selfish. -When he complies, he is drained.
Ironically, those demanding his support rarely ask who supports him.
6. *MATERNAL AND SIBLING INTERFERENCE IN MARRIAGE.*
In some cases, a man’s mother or sisters seek to control his marital choices. If his wife is perceived as disrespectful, the man bears the blame. If the wife is good, she is claimed and controlled.
The man becomes a scapegoat in conflicts he did not create.
Is It Fair? *A Critical Question* .
Is it fair for one human being to shoulder the full weight of:
-Multiple households.
-Generational expectations.
-Emotional suppression.
-Financial pressure.
-Social judgment
While also being expected to meet everyone’s Maslow hierarchy of needs?.
*The answer is clear: NO .*
Responsibility without reciprocity is exploitation.
*MANAGING THE CROSS :* ( *How a Man Can Reap from His Labor.* )
1. *REDEFINE RESPONSIBILITY.*
A man must distinguish between responsibility and self-destruction. Not every problem is his assignment. Shared responsibility must replace silent martyrdom.
2. *SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES .*
Boundaries are not selfish; they are survival tools. *A MAN MUST DEFINE :*
-What he can do.
-What he cannot do.
-What others must do for themselves.
3. *INVEST IN SELF-CARE.*
(*A man must intentionally care for:* )
-His health.
-His mental wellbeing
-His spiritual life.
-His personal dreams.
*A dead or broken man helps no one.*
4. *DEMAND MUTUAL RESPECT IN MARRIAGE.*
-Marriage must be a partnership, not a battleground. -Respect, appreciation, and loyalty are not optional—they are foundational.
5. *TEACH CHILDREN THE VALUE OF SACRIFICE.*
Children must be taught that parental sacrifice is not entitlement but love. -Gratitude must be modeled and enforced.
6. *SEEK COMMUNITY AND SUPPORT SYSTEMS.*
Men need safe spaces—mentors, counselors, faith communities, and peer networks—where they can be heard without judgment.
*MANAGING HIS HEALTH :* ( *The Forgotten Responsibility of the Man to Himself.* )
One of the greatest tragedies of the modern man in marriage is that he manages everyone’s life except his own. Many men interpret self-care as selfishness, weakness, or irresponsibility. This misconception has cost countless men their health, peace, and longevity.
1. *Physical Health as a Moral Obligation.* :
A man must understand that caring for his body is not indulgence—it is stewardship.
*KEY HEALTH RESPONSIBILITIES INCLUDE :*
a) Regular medical check-ups and screenings.
b) Adequate rest and sleep.
c) Balanced nutrition.
d) Physical exercise appropriate to age and condition.
e) A man who collapses under pressure leaves his family more vulnerable than a man who pauses to preserve his strength. f) Health neglect is not sacrifice; it is silent abandonment of the future.
2. *Mental and Emotional Health Management.*
a) Men carry unspoken grief, anxiety, disappointment, and frustration. *Suppressed emotions often manifest as:* :
a) Hypertension.
b) Depression.
c) Substance abuse.
d) Sudden death or burnout.
*THE MAN MUST :*
a) Speak openly about stress.
b) Seek counseling or mentorship.
c) Build trusted circles where vulnerability is allowed.
d) Strength is not the absence of pain—it is the courage to address it.
3. *Spiritual Health and Inner Stability* :
Beyond physical and mental health lies the spiritual dimension. -Men who lack inner anchoring are easily overwhelmed.
*Spiritual health may include:*
– Prayer or meditation.
-Faith-based community engagement.
-Personal reflection and purpose alignment.
-A spiritually grounded man bears responsibility without losing himself.
*LEAVING LEGACIES:* (*Beyond Survival to Significance.* )
A man’s ultimate tragedy is not death—but dying without impact, honor, or remembrance.
Legacy is not accidental; it is intentional.
1. *REDEFINING LEGACY BEYOND MONEY.*
While provision is important, legacy is larger than finances.
*TRUE LEGACY INCLUDES :*
-Values instilled in children.
– Character modeled daily.
-Principles lived consistently.
-Wisdom transferred intentionally.
-Money can be spent; character multiplies.
2. *TEACHING CHILDREN THE STORY OF SACRIFICE* :
Many children misunderstand their fathers, because the story of sacrifice is never told.
*A WISE MAN:*
– Explains his struggles in age-appropriate ways.
-Teaches children the cost of responsibility.
-Helps them connect effort to outcome.
When children understand sacrifice, gratitude replaces entitlement.
3. *INTENTIONAL PRESENCE, NOT JUST PROVISION.* :
( *Legacy is built in moments* 🙂
-Conversations
-Guidance
-Discipline with love
-Availability when it matters
-A man must balance working for his family with being with his family. -Presence humanizes sacrifice.
4. *BUILDING STRUCTURES THAT OUTLIVE HIM.*
*A legacy-minded man plans beyond himself:*
-Financial planning and succession.
-Clear values and family vision.
-Written records, letters, or teachings.
-Community contribution.
-A life without structure collapses after death; a life with structure continues to speak.
5. *LIVING TO ENJOY THE FRUITS OF LABOR .*
(*A man must reject the lie that he exists only to give and never to enjoy.* )
-Enjoyment is not selfishness; it is evidence that sacrifice was meaningful.
-A fulfilled man leaves a healthier emotional inheritance than a bitter one.
*INTEGRATED WISDOM :* (Health, Responsibility, and Legacy.)
*The man who manages his health:*
– Lives longer.
-Thinks clearer.
-Loves better.
-Leads stronger.
*THE MAN WHO PLANS HIS LEGACY :*
-Dies with dignity.
-Is remembered with honor
-Leaves stability, not confusion.
A man who ignores both becomes a tragic hero—celebrated only after he is gone, if at all.
*RECOMMENDATIONS* :
1)Promote shared financial and emotional responsibility in marriages.
2)Normalize men’s mental health conversations globally.
3)Encourage premarital education on realistic marital expectations.
5)Teach children gratitude, empathy, and family history.
6)Reform cultural narratives that glorify male self-destruction as strength.
7)Encourage men to plan for their own future, not just others’.
8)Encourage men to see health maintenance as family responsibility.
9)Normalize therapy, counseling, and mentorship for men.
10)Teach boys early that masculinity includes self-care.
11)Promote legacy education in families and faith institutions.
12) Encourage men to document values, lessons, and life stories.
13) Redefine success to include longevity, peace, and fulfillment. *CONCLUSION* :
-The cross of man in marriage should not be a death sentence. -Responsibility is honorable, but unchecked sacrifice is tragic. -A society that consumes its men and discards them when they are weak is unjust and unsustainable.
-Marriage must evolve into a space where men live, thrive, enjoy, and are appreciated, not merely endure. -When a man is cared for, respected, and supported, the entire family prospers. -When he is ignored and broken, everyone eventually pays the price.
-The true measure of a successful marriage is not how much a man gives—but whether he is still alive, fulfilled, and honored after giving. *CLOSING REFLECTION*:
1) A man should not die proving he was strong.
2) He should live long enough to enjoy what he built.
3) Marriage should not crucify the man; it should refine him.
4) Responsibility should not erase him; it should elevate him.
5) When a man learns to carry his cross wisely—protecting his health and planting his legacy—he transforms pain into purpose and sacrifice into lasting honor.
*REFERENCES (APA STYLE)* :
Agi, J. A. (2026). Family responsibility, masculinity, and emotional labor in marriage. Unpublished manuscript.
Connell, R. W. (2005). Masculinities (2nd ed.). University of California Press.
Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370–396.
Wilcox, W. B., & Nock, S. L. (2006). What’s love got to do with it? Equality, equity, commitment, and women’s marital quality. Social Forces, 84(3), 1321–1345.
World Health Organization. (2022). Men’s mental health and wellbeing. WHO Publications.
